Living in an Amish Paradise

The majority of this post was written while I was laying in the dirt at our campground. Before we left, I decided that a hammock and sleeping bag were all that I needed for our great adventure. I decided that because I am stupid. I am stupid because hammocks don’t work when you don’t have trees. Hence the majority of this post being written uncomfortably from the ground.

We rode from Bolivar to Windsor today. Our intentions were to make it to Clinton, Missouri where the Katy Trail begins. The Katy Trail is a 240 mile long bike trail that runs across the state into St. Louis. Only cyclists and pedestrians are allowed on the trail so for the next few days or so we can be as reckless as possible since we don’t have to worry about being hit by semis. Anyway, we made it to Clinton and stopped there to eat some Italian food and decided to continue out onto the Katy Trail since we still had daylight. This turned into a casual 87 mile bike ride for the day. But the mileage isn’t what is important.

What is important is that we saw Amish people in Osceola, Missouri today during our ride. We noticed there were Share the Road signs on the side of the highway with a horse and buggy depicted. This fueled our desire to make it to Osceola (a well-established Amish community according to the internet…which is never wrong…ever) as we imagined what our day could be like if it were filled with Amish activities. What we were really hoping for was to walk into some Rumspringa-like rave so we could encourage some Amish adolescents to make bad decisions. This wasn’t the case (which is probably for the best). All we saw was Ezekiel feeding his horses.

As nice as these Mennonites seemed, I do have some grievances to air after today’s ride. Since they ride their carriages on the highway, their horses defecate all over the road. Because of this, Max and I spent about 20 miles of our ride dodging horses feces that was left uncleaned on the highway. Now when you walk your dog and it poops, you are expected as a functioning member of our society to clean up after your dog. They may try to distance themselves from society, but they still use the highways so when their horses defecate all over the highway they should be expected to clean it up. You don’t get any free passes because you don’t use electricity Ishmael. Quit being lazy and clean up after your pets/vehicles.

We woke up today, did our morning stuff and got back onto the Katy trail. Morning stuff, outside of the general breakfast eating and brushing of the teeth, involves Max and I going to town on our bike short chamois with anti-chafe cream. It’s honestly like we are icing a cake. Just instead using frosting and making a delicious treat, we are using ass-cream to ensure our bottoms are nice and smooth. Do we go a little overboard with the cream? Most definitely. But I think it is okay to over-indulge every once in awhile.

While on the trail, we pass through quite a bit of small towns as we have since the beginning of our trip. Every single one of these towns has an antique shop, if not numerous antique shops. It seems like many of these small towns thrive off the economy of these shops. However, I don’t imagine that many individuals are flocking to these places to purchase a 100-year-old herb mortar that may or may not have been used by the First Lady. The amount of antique shops in Anytown, America baffles me and this was just a long/unnecessary way of expressing my puzzlement at the economic viability of these businesses.

We ran into some other bikers on the trail that we spent quite a bit of time talking to. They thought what we were doing was awesome and offered to pay for half of our hotel (thunderstorms tonight) room as a contribution to our cause. We hung out with our new friends for awhile at the hotel and then headed up to our room. Our room has one bed. After sleeping on the ground last night however, there is no way I am sleeping on the floor. SO IT’S CUDDLE TIME TONIGHT FOLKS!

Before I wrap up and get back to my cuddle sesh, I just wanted to thank a specific audience that has given us their utmost support. It dawned upon me the other day that we have a strong following of middle-aged women. Why exactly is beyond me, but this has been rectified through people messaging us, leaving us comments and from friends who tell us their mom’s are avid readers of our ramblings. Further evidence to this fact arose last week when an elderly woman told me I had nice legs (damn right I was wearing the spandex). When I said, “excuse me?” to ensure that I heard her correctly she responded, “you heard me” then walked away. So thanks ladies, we are loving the support :-*


“Christ, seven years of college down the drain…”
- John Blutarsky






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